By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — To defend the country from foreign attacks, the United States has developed sophisticated weapons like stealth jets and weapons capable of shooting down incoming missiles. The Chinese spy balloon alerted our leaders to the dangers of low-tech threats to our security. A supplemental military appropriation bill addresses this problem.
To counter the danger of future balloon incursions, the bill allocates funds to produce flying sewing needles, or as the Pentagon calls them, ADDs-Aerial Deflationary Devices. Sophisticated radar installations will be equipped with binoculars connected to television monitors. The government will requisition trapeze safety nets from circuses to be redeployed to minimize the damage to plummeting balloon debris. The export of helium and Mylar to hostile countries will be banned.
The danger is not only in the air. There are concerns that remote controlled model boats may be monitoring the nation’s coastal areas. The FBI plans to introduce background checks on anyone purchasing unusually large quantities of double AA batteries. Authorities in New York will station agents to surveil the Conservatory Water in Central Park for suspicious maneuvers performed by toy vessels sailing there. Boats will be confiscated from people bringing take-out Chinese food for picnics at the pond.
Finally, there is intelligence that enemy nations are planning on sending fleets of e-bikes to invade cities and detonate explosives. The recent outbreak of fires from the bikes’ overheated lithium-ion batteries are, so to speak, a test balloon. By directing these bikes with signals emanating from clickers mounted on pigeons, our enemies seek to wreak havoc and block the U.S. Army from fighting enemy soldiers cleverly disguised in dayglo Lycra outfits. To be on the safe side until the CIA confirms that this is a strategy of our foes, American civilians are advised not to feed pigeons.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com.