By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Tucker Carlson’s potpourri of prejudice ended last Friday when Fox News fired him. Now the network is busy considering the credentials of replacements for him. My mole there has furnished me with the application letters of candidates. The following are quotes from the leading contenders:
Alex Jones: “Tucker merely popularized the conspiracies I had concocted and proven. Your audience will appreciate hearing them from the horse’s butt, oops I mean mouth. As a bonus for hiring me, I will teach Fox’s management how to evade paying the exorbitant fines imposed on truthtellers like Fox and me by the lizard people who dupe American courts and juries.”
George Santos: “I have an impressive record of bending the truth into alternate fact pretzels. Tucker merely got people to watch him. I persuaded them to vote for me. I am willing to change my appearance, identity, and name to enhance my audience appeal. I may not be available to start until after the 2024 elections, but then again, I might be unemployed before then.”
Bill O’Reilly: “If you let me back in the timeslot I formerly occupied, I will gladly submit to being castrated and wearing handcuffs when I’m on the set or at office meetings to preempt any charges of sexual harassment. After resuming my career at Fox, I plan to devote my next book to chronicling the network’s resurgence from my high ratings and title it, Killing the Competition. By competition I don’t mean MSNBC, but Newsmax and OAN.”
Kari Lake: “I already have extensive television experience, but more importantly, I have credibility as a victim of the same voting fraud that kept our greatest president of all time, Donald Trump, from being coronated as America’s lifelong king in 2020. PS: I promise I won’t blame my “loss” on Dominion Voting Systems.”
Donald Trump: “In the unlikely event that I am cheated out of the presidency once again in 2024 and fail to mobilize the Armed Forces to overturn the election results, I will relinquish my platform on Truth Social for Fox to increase my viewership. I will use my influence to lobby the government to build a cyber wall to prevent alien, communist, democrat, gay, and un-Caucasian ideas from being broadcast anywhere in the United States and make MSNBC and the New York Times pay for it.”
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Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via Lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com