Love and Respect

SAN DIEGO — It is a great simcha to find love, get married, and have children. However, not everyone is so lucky. Every day, countless people all over the world break up. Some suffer divorce and separation, others a broken engagement, and many split before even getting that far. Why is this, what behaviors contribute to it, and how can one learn to prevent such tragedy?

While some couples split due to drug problems, infidelity, and abuse, others go their separate ways for less extreme reasons. Sadly, the Torah allows a man to divorce a woman for no reason beyond that she “does not please him.”

“Suppose a man marries a woman but she does not please him. Having discovered something wrong with her, he writes a document of divorce, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house.” (Deuteronomy 24:1)

While the Pentateuch may take a laissez faire approach to divorce, the prophets have more compassion. Claiming divine inspiration, the prophets say that G-d hates divorce and sees the pain it causes.

“I hate divorce!” says the LORD, the God of Israel. ‘To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,’ says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies. ‘So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.’” (Malachi 2:16)

“For the LORD has called you back from your grief—as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband, says your God.” (Isaiah 54:6)

“It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.” (Proverbs 21:19)

“It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.” (Proverbs 25:24)

“It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.” (Proverbs 21:9)

The quotes above are painfully honest. Yet one could ask the question why a man would even marry a woman who is so blatantly disrespectful. It’s one thing to want to leave a “lovely home,” it’s another to even be there in the first place. The most likely explanation is that most wives do not start off as particularly “quarrelsome.” Rather, as the couple spends more time with each other, small acts of disrespect accumulate. A few drops are unnoticed in the beginning, but eventually there is a flood. A nap here and there are unnoticed in the beginning, but eventually poverty hits. Or, to use a fitness analogy, a pound here and there may not be noticed initially, but at some point a person becomes overweight.

“A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping.” (Proverbs 19:13)

It’s one thing to have a proverb or wise saying. It’s another to have a concrete example to point to. For King David, disrespect led to the destruction of his union. In the beginning, David was enamored with Michal. He risked his life in battle to win her hand, going above and beyond.

“‘Tell David that all I want for the bride price is 100 Philistine foreskins! Vengeance on my enemies is all I really want.’ David was delighted to accept the offer. Before the time limit expired, he and his men went out and killed 200 Philistines. Then David fulfilled the king’s requirement by presenting all their foreskins to him. So Saul gave his daughter Michal to David to be his wife.” (1 Samuel 18:25-27)

Unfortunately, after the honeymoon phase wore off, Michal’s disrespect reared its ugly head.  When the ark of the covenant came to town, Michal criticized David for how he danced in front of other women.  Instead of focusing on the good he did—offering sacrifices, blessing others, gifting food—she let her own insecurities draw attention to what she perceived to be negative instead of focusing on the positive. In the grand scheme of things, David dancing at a religious festival was really not that big of a deal. However, Michal’s inability to “let the little things go” and her subsequent hurtful words pushed King David away.  The end result is that Michal had no more children. While some would interpret this as a divine curse of infertility, a more plausible explanation is that Michal and David never reconciled.

“As the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, and she despised him in her heart. And they brought in the ark of the LORD and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it. And David offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the LORD. And when David had finished offering the burnt offerings and the peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD of hosts and distributed among all the people, the whole multitude of Israel, both men and women, a cake of bread, a portion of meat, and a cake of raisins to each one. Then all the people departed, each to his house. And David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David and said, ‘How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants’ female servants, as one of the vulgar fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!’ And David said to Michal, ‘It was before the LORD, who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the LORD—and I will celebrate before the LORD. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in your eyes. But by the female servants of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor.’ And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.” (2 Samuel 6:16-23)

It is my sincere hope that all couples going through difficult times would humbly admit their own faults and proactively work on becoming kinder to each other. For women especially, it is crucial to use words to build up instead of tear down.

“A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1)

When faced with a relationship in crisis, the answer is not always to get counseling. After all, what couple ever got better by complaining about each other to a stranger for an hour a week? The answer instead is to apologize and work on correcting one’s own character flaws. It is never too late to work on oneself and become better.

“They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago. They will revive them, though they have been deserted for many generations.” (Isaiah 61:4).

References:

“First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors” by Laura Doyle
“The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle