By Shoshana Bryen
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hamas and Fatah have reportedly smoothed over their differences to present a united front in pursuit of a declaration of Palestinian independence from the UN General Assembly in September. [Side note: most countries declare independence, a la Thomas Jefferson or David Ben Gurion. The Palestinians prefer that someone do it for them, lest they inadvertently recognize Israel in the process.] The two factions met in Cairo. The dialogue was probably something like this:
Abu Mazen (Fatah): The establishment of Israel was a mistake the UN made in 1948 and together we are going to have them reverse it. One step at a time.
Ismail Haniyah (Hamas): You gave up “resistance.”
AM: Hey, we never gave up the military option. At the Fatah convention in 2009 we reaffirmed the “right of armed resistance” and “right of return.” We called Jerusalem holy to Christians and Muslims – I would have left out the Christians, but Hanan Ashrawi was there. We rejected negotiations with Israel until after it meets a bunch of conditions it will never meet, including lifting the blockade of you guys in Gaza and releasing all the prisoners – and you’ll notice we haven’t exactly been negotiating since then.
IH: You’re giving the Zionists legitimacy just by talking to them, not to mention doing business with them. Kill them.
AM: Uh, you do business with them too. But in case you haven’t noticed, one can do both. You killed a kid on a school bus and then the Israeli Air Force raided Gaza. We killed a Jew praying at an old shrine, and said he didn’t have our permission to be there. Nothing happened except some Jews started blaming the dead guy for being there in the first place and the Israeli government is going to “investigate” how he got there without permission. Cool, right? Jews need permission to pray. Then we fired at an IDF patrol and said it was an accident. Nothing happened. I must say though, using a Russian anti-tank missile on that bus was nice; we don’t have any. But just wait until our army – oops, our “police force” – gets the rest of its training and equipment.
IH: The Americans will give you anti-tank weapons?
AM: No, but once we’re independent, we can make alliances with whoever we want – and they will give us anti-tank weapons, just like they give them to you.
IH: The United Nations won’t let you have alliances.
AM: “Oom-shmoom” – where have I heard that before? Who’s going to stop us? We’ll ask for an international force in the West Bank like they have in Lebanon – UNIFIP – UNIFIL has been wandering around Hezbollah-land for years and hasn’t found a weapon yet. We’ll tell them we’re afraid Israel will invade us and ask for a “no fly” zone.
IH: Can we get one too?
AM: Anything I can get, you can get – but you have to let me lead.
IH: You? Lead?
AM: Of course. You are persona non grata everywhere but Tehran and Ankara, not exactly the center of the universe. I, on the other hand, am the darling of European capitals. The Americans are so afraid of the Europeans that they’re pushing Netanyahu to give me the moon on a platter to avoid having to vote against our independence in the UN. Bush never had that problem. Obama had to veto the Security Council Resolution on “settlements” and he hated it; that’s why the Security Council isn’t making us independent. They’re leaving it to the General Assembly, but the U.S. still wants a “negotiated settlement.” Like that’s going to happen.
IH: We made one. In fact, we’ve made about a dozen of them – despite the fact that we fought a civil war and threw each other’s wounded off the rooftops.
AM: That was you throwing us off the rooftops, but good point nonetheless. Just goes to show how much those negotiated settlements are worth. But “negotiated” anything sells in the West – another thing I understand that you (and the Israelis) don’t: good press counts for a lot here. We tell them we’re responding to the democratic will of the Palestinian people by forming a unity government and you get the benefit of my good press. That’s why you have to let me lead.
IH: You? Lead? Uh…
AM: Problem?
IH: <silence>
*
Bryen is senior director of security policy of the Jewish Institute for National Security Affairs. Her column is sponsored by Waxie Sanitary Supply in memory of Morris Wax, longtime JINSA supporter and national board member. She may be contacted at shoshana.bryen@sdjewishworld.com