Satire: How Nikki Haley Can Win Over Republican Voters

 

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO — Political operatives are advising Nikki Haley to start criticizing Donald Trump more, but if she really wants to win over Republican voters, here are the things she must do:

Shoot someone on Fifth Avenue in New York and claim immunity from prosecution because she’s running for president.

Be caught on videotape confiding to someone that she grabs men’s penises every chance she gets.

Inflate her financial assets to get bank loans while lowering their estimated value to avoid paying taxes.

Demand that South Carolina rescind her order to remove the Confederate flag from the state capitol and instead build a statue of Jefferson Davis there.

Appropriate the MAGA acronym to express a more belligerent meaning than the original one Trump intended: Magnify American Grievances Angrily.

Question whether Trump’s German ancestors immigrated to the United States legally and always refer to him as Dietrich Drumpf.

Admit that she stole classified documents when she was UN Ambassador and kept them hidden in her home.

Have an affair with Manuel Ferrara, the recipient of the award for being the most popular male porn star last year, and pay him hush money not to ever disclose their trysts.

Build walls around voting centers and make Donald Trump pay for them.

Charge that the primary elections were rigged if she loses them to Trump.

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Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via Lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com