CARLSBAD, California – When Ben Greene was 14-15 years old, he started to notice “things were different.” Born a female, Greene would look in the mirror and note that the image there did not match the feeling inside. Later, Greene, who now identifies as a man, learned this was called “disassociation.”
Talking Thursday night, July 11, to Evolve Hadassah San Diego at a private home, Greene recalled doing research and deciding he was bisexual. He came out to a friend who felt similarly. Greene received an invitation to join the Queer Youth Facebook group in the Connecticut area. It was a very safe place for youth who identified on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.
One day a member made a post about being transgender and Greene reported that this post changed his life. He identified with all the points and realized this was where he belonged. This same friend also identified as transgender so they both had each other’s support on their journey.
As Greene and his friend were both in the transitioning/discovery phase, Greene described spending hours at the mall and observing what being a “masculine male” was all about. They would study how men dress, walk, and mannerisms. Greene’s conclusion was that gender was similar to a buffet. There is no right or wrong way to be a male or female. He said he is a feminine male and that constructing his gender from scratch has been mostly a fun process.
Greene stated horrific stories heard from other friends and in the media of how this can be a traumatizing situation initially scared him. However, when he came out to his parents, they were very accepting. They had a lot of questions and took steps to determine how they could be the positive support Greene needed.
Greene’s mother did a lot of research and would bring up articles she read. His father’s approach was to talk and explore. He and his father would talk on long car rides together on Sundays, which they reserved for asking questions and exploration. Delegating a day and time a week for questions and answers was helpful and much better than just being bombarded with multiple questions at stressful times during the week.
Greene and his parents discussed “top surgery” (the removal of his breasts). This was a difficult discussion for the family but as they continued the discussion with love and respect, this became accepted, and he eventually received the surgery he wanted.
He described a “bungee cord” effect when he changed his name on Facebook and his parents made him change it back. The extended family had not learned of his transition. But as the family became aware, he was able to change his name on his account. The extended family was eventually educated on the pronouns Greene uses which took some time of readjustment. They are “he,” “him,” and “his.”
Greene emphasized that love and respect on day one of his transition had been key to this being a positive experience. It encouraged him to write his book, My Child is Trans, Now What? A Joy-Centered Approach to Support. His book offers suggestions on what support is needed for transgender individuals and is easily applied across the LGBTQ+ community.
The joy-centered approach is to encourage parents/grandparents and family members to be accepting. The alternative is what leads to many suicides, self-harming and estrangement from families who do not accept this adjustment.
The group, whose president is Jan Sabran-Wolfert, discussed the transitioning process as also being a time for parents to adjust to the new reality, even grieve.
A few of the women described the adjustments they had to make jettisoning notions of separate gender roles and expectations for boys and girls. Greene discussed how hurtful it is when parents say, “they lost a daughter but gained a son” or vice versa. No child was “lost;” the outward appearance to the world just didn’t connect with the inward.
As the discussion wrapped up, I asked Greene to sign my copy of his book and asked him if Judaism helped with his transition and his connection to our faith. Greene told me his mother was Roman Catholic and his father was Jewish. They grew up being accepting of both religions and attended services to support their mother and her faith. Greene did go through Hebrew School and had a Bat Mitzvah.
Greene recounted when he came out to his Hebrew School class and asked that they refer to him as “Ben” now. The students were very accepting but joked why he decided to go by Ben since there were five members in the class who were named Ben and so, it would be hard to keep track of yet another Ben.
Greene said his parents were going to name him Ben if he happened to be born biologically a boy. When he transitioned, he chose this name to honor his parents.
When he came out to his rabbi and synagogue members, they were very accepting and made sure they had a gender-neutral restroom and that he was made to feel safe and respected. Greene has become more religious as he has gotten older. When he testified in St. Louis, Missouri, in support of transgender bills, of the 200 or so people who showed up in support, about 50 of those individuals are wearing kippot and tallitot. He said representatives of the Jewish faith have been very supportive and stand with the trans community.
He attended Brandeis College in Waltham, Massachusetts, intending too become a teacher. In 2019, Greene gave his first Tedx talk that went viral and launched his career. The following year, Greene graduated early from college and was ready to start public speaking, but the Covid pandemic put that aspect of his career on hold.
He married his wife and moved to St. Louis and started public speaking online. Greene introduced his mother in-law Audrey Levine, who is the Regional President of Hadassah Southern California.
Greene approvingly quoted from transgender author Daniel Mallory Ortberg’s book, Something That May Shock and Discredit You: “God blessed me by making me transgender for the same reason God made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine, so that humanity might share in the act of creation.”
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Cailin Acosta is the assistant editor of the San Diego Jewish World.