By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — The news emanating from Washington has been disconcerting. Although Americans narrowly elected Donald Trump, he has biologically merged with his far wealthier twin to emerge as Donelon Trusk. Trusk plans to rename the country the Uninformed Supporters of Authoritarianism. Here’s some news items about his latest efforts to accomplish this goal.
Although Donelon pledged to bring down inflation, egg prices have doubled in the past year due to the bird flu. Trusk has realized that hens are females and many of them are brown. Obviously, they are DEI (Decimators of Egg Inventories) hires and need to be killed or fired. Although opposed to funding scientific research, the Trump side of Trusk plans to finance research into gender transition surgery for white roosters. Robert F. Kennedy advised Trusk not to be alarmed because he’s heard that bird flu confers immunity to chicken pox. Trusk’s other cabinet members never refer to bird flu as avian flu since they worry Trusk might suspect it caused recent plane accidents and mishaps.
In another brilliant cost cutting measure, Trusk fired hundreds of employees at NOAA, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. This draws on his precedent during the pandemic of calling for an end to testing for Covid because this would result in “very few cases.” Eventually abolishing NOAA aims stopping its reporting of climate change. If no agency monitors it, then it simply isn’t happening.
On behalf of Trusk, a State Department spokesperson announced the Administration’s intention to “dramatically shrink the purpose and the practice of our diplomacy.” This was illustrated by shrunken diplomacy exhibited by the President and Vice-President at their televised meeting with Volodymyr Zelensky. It also exemplified Trusk’s next book The Art of the Heel.
Witnessing the staged humiliation of the leader of a country allied with the United States, Marco Rubio, a former hawk against Putin’s Russia, displayed his discomfiture by catatonically sinking into the couch he was sitting upon. He sank ever lower after the meeting when he blamed Zelensky for provoking Trusk.
On the same day, Trusk issued an executive order establishing English as the official language of the United States. An anonymous State Department official quipped that Trusk needs to work on his English vocabulary and should start by looking up the definition of diplomatic in the dictionary.
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Laurie Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.