By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — Why do some people who have always worked at a secure and steady job suddenly pack up the family and move to a ranch in Montana? Why does the farmer’s son leave his patrimony and move to the city for a factory job? Why does someone start a new business on his or her own with all the risks involved? Why these changes of direction?
I know women who have always worked but decided to “drop out” for awhile, and others who have been community volunteers all their lives who apply for a paying job. Devoted wives and mothers become career women, while career women quit to spend more time with their families.
Changing directions gives one an opportunity to live a new life. It is as if we have a second chance to become someone else. Divorce and singleness or re-marriage can give us that opportunity. We can renew ourselves in different relationships or different environments. On the one hand, we always remain the same core person, but on the other hand, we also adapt to our circumstances. So if we have a hostile spouse or boss, we become cautious or defensive; but if we have supportive people around us, we can allow ourselves to be trusting and grow—expanding our horizons.
We should not need the proverbial mid-life crisis in order to take a sharp departure. When daily life is beginning to lose its luster, when we wake up in the morning and sigh with discouragement at the day ahead—and this happens week after week, month after month—then it’s time to take a look at what’s missing and what does sound appealing. The grass may indeed only look greener on the other side of the fence, but it’s important to check on that color, maybe it is more to your liking.
Which of your friends or acquaintances do you envy? Whose life do you wish you had? What steps do you need to take to live that life? Are there new work- or relationship-related skills to acquire or spruce up? Are there risks to be taken, friends or professionals to consult?
I have changed directions several times in my life and have always felt that it gave me opportunities to live several lives: as wife and mother, as middle-aged student, as clinical social worker, as university professor, as author, to live in Europe with one husband and in the United States with another.
These life changes allowed me to not only move in totally different environments but to respond to these environments as a new person—learning and testing new skills and behaving in ways unfamiliar to me. In other words, one’s repertoire gets enlarged and one becomes richer in life experiences. Travel can do this too, but it’s more limited in time and scope, unless of course, one lives for a period of time in a different culture.
Surprisingly, knowledge and skills are translated from one type of work to another. Who we are, what we know, and how we think are useful no matter what we do; and the more we know and experience—the more we bring to the table next time around. Now this sounds like I’m advocating change for change’s sake. I’m not. What I’m advocating is fearlessness. If one’s situation is not satisfying, whether at home or work, and everything has been tried to ameliorate this situation—it is an option to look for something better.
Yes, there is risk involved. You may leave a lousy mate or job but not find anything better. And yes, staying in a bad situation does afford you the comfort (and discomfort) of the experience of a familiar situation and familiar pain. Obviously embarking on a new adventure has no guarantees. But even so, meeting the unknown head on is a challenge that may help uncover new resources within yourself.
Most people regret what they have not done, what they have missed, the road not taken, the risk avoided. Very few people are sorry that they tried something new, even if they didn’t succeed the way they expected to.
As a people, we seem to strive for competence in whatever we do. And once a high level of competence is achieved, we look for new opportunities to grow and learn. It’s OK to stay put if satisfied, and OK to move on if not.
So try your wings and fly away to unknown destinations, meeting new challenges that will need new skill and solutions, but more importantly, can bring new delights.
Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz is a freelance writer based in La Jolla who may be contacted at natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com This column appeared in the La Jolla Village News.