By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — Israel announced two contradictory policies on the eve of the second round of Israeli-Palestinian peace talks. It will release a group of Palestinian prisoners as a good will gesture, and build more settlements on the West Bank as a bad will gesture. As a compromise, the PLA demanded that Israel release all Palestinian prisoners and convert empty prisons into housing for settlers. The only breakthrough on the horizon is a mutual agreement to relinquish sovereignty of one Jerusalem neighborhood to feral cats.
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Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee, has asked NBC and CNN to drop their plans to respectively make a feature film and documentary about Hillary Clinton. Not wanting to appear partisan, NBC has agreed to change the name of its movie which is presently titled Wonder Woman. Seeking greater political balance, CNN will produce a documentary about Michele Bachmann which it will call Ignorance Is Bliss. In a related development, World Wrestling Entertainment is arranging a match between Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin.
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After leaving the clinic where he underwent intensive therapy, San Diego Mayor Bob Filner released details of his treatment. The morning session focused on the theme “Curb Thy Tongue.” Filner summed up what its message by saying, “The only time you’re supposed to stick out your tongue is with consenting adults, at the doctor’s office, or if you’re licking a Popsicle or postage stamp.” This was followed by a television break, but patients were not allowed to watch reruns of Mad Men, Men Behaving Badly, and Two and a Half Men. The afternoon session was called “Wrestling Holds Belong in the Ring.” Filner commented, “Now I know that women don’t construe headlocks as a sign that you’re in love with their minds.” When asked how he would know if Filner learned anything, the head of the clinic responded, “I’ll know if he resigns.”
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Eric Holder has issued an order to Federal prosecutors to not request minimum mandatory sentencing for low-level drug offenders. When asked to clarify what this policy entails, he curtly replied, “You won’t go the joint for selling a joint.”
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Rand Paul cut the ribbon to open the new Ayn Rand Theme Park. It has attractions like the Rollercoaster of Capitalism, a Fountainhead Lego building site for children supervised by Donald Trump, and the Atlas Weightlifting Challenge.
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Baron is a freelance writer based in San Diego. He may be contacted at Lawrence.Baron@sdjewishworld.com