By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO―Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he will run for reelection. He pledges to top his first term by getting addicted to heroin, changing the name of the Toronto Maple Leafs to the Toronto Hashish Consumers, aka as the THCs, and promoting the city as a great place to eat out.
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The government of Israel has agreed to pay the salaries of several reform rabbis. To avoid offending the country’s Orthodox community, the Culture and Sports Ministry will fund the positions and require these rabbis to complete in the Sochi Olympic Games in Speed Skating. To increase their speed, they will be chased by outraged heredim. The rabbis, however, will be forbidden from competing in the Summer Olympics since the uniforms there are too scanty.
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The number of homicides in Chicago dropped by 17 % this past year. Coincidentally, the sales of Kevlar vests rose by the same rate.
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The Orlando Business World conducted an unscientific poll of the city’s residents about whether the documentary Blackfish had changed their perceptions of SeaWorld. 99 % of the respondents said no. Animal rights activists questioned the skewed results noting that no Orcas were surveyed.
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The Little Sisters of the Poor requested and received a postponement of the implementation of the Affordable Health Care Act’s mandate for employers to provide contraception coverage to their insurance plans for employees. When asked about this decision, a representative of the Obama Administration dismissed this as a theoretical challenge with no practical consequences because nuns shouldn’t be using contraception in the first place.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com