By Marnie Winston-MacCauley
LAS VEGAS, Nevada — We Jews have a great sense of humor and an exhaustive one. We can be outright hilarious, sarcastic, ironic, edgy, surprising. Virtually nothing is off limits! One type of humor is “Funny-Silly-Gotcha!” I’ve collected some “Gotcha!” Jewish humor that I hope will put a smile on your face. And yes, you may pelt me with matzo balls for each cliché – send sauce.
The exaggerators
Solly and Max were describing their fishing expeditions with great relish.
“Once in Florida,” said Solly, “I caught a fish so huge, it took three men to shlep it in!”
“That’s nothing,” scoffed Max. “I once caught a lamp, with a date engraved on it 1492, when Columbus discovered America!”
“Big deal,” said Solly rising from his chair. “My fish weighed 150 pounds.”
“Yeah? Well, the lamp I caught was still lit!”
Nose to nose, they stared each other down … until finally …
“Listen Max,” said Solly. “How about … we make my fish five pounds and you put your light out, and we’ll call it even?!”
*
(sniff) And maybe even if I did (sniff)
Sophie demanded Hannah return an old pot which she claimed Hannah never returned to her in over six months.
“In the first place, I never took a pot from you!” Hannah said, offended. ”In the second place, it was an old pot! And in the third place, I gave it back to you in better condition than when I took it from you!”
*
Things a Jewish mother would never say
“Not everybody needs higher education. Hamburger U is good enough, darling. After all, your father God Bless him, didn’t graduate High School and invested in diaper pins in the 1960s.”
*
“It’s fine mamala. Go to Las Vegas with your wife. My 65th birthday we can celebrate any year.”
*
“I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.”
*
“Oy, I forgot my tissues. Listen, just use your sleeve.”
*
“Look, try it. Live with him a few years, then, if it works out, you’ll see if you want to marry him.”
*
“Come here. Let me smell your shirt. OK, it’s good for another week.”
*
“About naming the baby after grandpa Irving, may he rest in peace, if you want to name him Luke Picard Lispshitz instead, that’s fine with us.”
*
“Personally, I think the decision to pierce a nose should be up to the individual teenager.”
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“If Timmy’s Mom says it’s okay for a 15-year-old to stay out till 3 a.m. it’s good enough for me.”
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“Call every week with your schedule? Once a month is plenty.”
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“School isn’t everything. The Marines are nice.”
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“If your new wife wants you to move to Hungary to be close to her family, it’s fine by us.”
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“So it’s 70 degrees. Why not take a jacket in case of global ‘colding’?”
*
“Just turn the undies inside out. No one will ever know.”
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“My meeting won’t be over till nine, so for one night, it wouldn’t kill you to skip dinner.”
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“Mother’s day, Shmother’s Day. All of you –go to the beach and enjoy yourselves.”
The “Klever” Yiddishe Kop (Jewish Heads)
One of the many things that makes Jews – well, Jews – is our unique perspective on just about everything. Whether it involves creative reasoning or humor, our viewpoint has a clever Yiddishe spin:
A Miami officer pulled over 86-year-old Mrs. Klopman because her signals were confusing.
“First you put your hand up, like you’re turning left, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn right –” said the officer.
“Sonny, I decided not to turn left,” she explained.
“Then why did you signal up and down?” the officer asked.
“Mistah Officer,” she sniffed, “I vas erasing!”
*
Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are (A Classic)
Marvin came home from work and called to his wife, Sheila.
“Sheila, where are you?”
“I’m hiding.”
“Sheila darling, where are you?”
“I’m hiding.”
“Love of my life, where are you?” he asked again.
“I’m hiding.”
“Sheila, I bought you those pearls you vanted. Where are you?”
“I’m hiding …………………………………….. in the front closet.”
*
If they came from Jewish Families
Columbus: “We don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”
*
Goldilocks: “I’ve got a bill for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?!”
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Napoleon: “If that’s not your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”
*
Superman: “Clarkala, your mama and I have discussed it, and yes! You can have a cell phone. Now will you quit with the looking everywhere for phone booths already?”
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Washington: “The next time I catch you throwing money in rivers, you can kiss your allowance good bye!”
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Einstein: “Oy that senior picture … that hair?!”
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Jonah: “That’s some nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last 3 days! ”
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Mona Lisa: “All that money on braces and that’s the smile we get?!”
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Batman: “Ok, so it’s a nice car, Brucie. But the insurance alone will break you.”
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Mary: “OK, so the fakakta lamb followed you to school, but how did he get a better grade than you?”
*
A Shtikl Stickler
Mrs. Goldfarb asked the deli man for corned beef.
“How much?” he asked.
She pointed to a huge slab. “Cut. I’ll tell when to stop.”
When the pile had grown high, he asked, “Enough, lady?”
“Cut. I’ll tell you when.”
Twice more he asked if she had enough. Twice more came the cry, “Cut!” Finally over a mountain of corned beef, she called, “Have you reached the middle yet?”
“Just about!!”
“Good! Now, from that middle cut me a quarter pound!”
*
Marnie Winston-Macauley, whose work has garnered her Emmy and Writer’s Guild Best Writing nominations, is the author of the acclaimed “Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother” and the award-winning “A Little Joy, A Little Oy” calendar. Her new The Funniest Jewish Jokes Ever,2014 Day-to-Day Calendar This column is reprinted from Aish.com … San Diego Jewish World seeks sponsorships to be placed, as this notice is, just below articles that appear on our site. To inquire, call editor Donald H. Harrison at (619) 265-0808 or contact him via donald.harrison@sdjewishworld.com