By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — To retaliate against American economic sanctions, Russia has banned American astronauts from using the International Space Station starting in 2020. The United States reacted by announcing that it plans to complete the construction of an International Space Walmart by that year and that the store will refuse to accept rubles.
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The recent Seattle Pacific University shooting disproved the NRA’s main argument for opposing new gun control laws. A good guy only needs mace to stop a bad guy with a gun.
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Critics of the swap of Bo Bergdahl for five Taliban operatives warn that the released prisoners will return to Afghanistan to fight against the American soldiers. Subscribers to Showtime are more concerned that the Taliban has been watching Homeland.
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While soccer fans around the world are closely following the World Cup in Brazil, there is also a terrorist Olympics going on. Right now, the Boko Haram team from Nigeria is winning with the Sunni insurgents from Iraq close behind. The Taliban still remains hopeful that its five new ringers will put it ahead.
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The European Union Court ruled that people have the “right to be forgotten” and remove irrelevant and outdated information about themselves from the Internet. Google has been inundated with requests to expunge such information. The petitioners include Monica Lewinsky, Anthony Weiner, and George Zimmerman.
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A note from the author: In my May 20th 2014 “Humoring the Headlines” column, I wrote: “Brandeis University held its graduation this weekend amid controversy over the school’s rescinding the degree it had decided to award to Ayaan Hirsi Ali, a feminist critic of Islam and the practice of Female Genital Mutilation. As part of its damage control, the president of the university issued a statement that while he strongly supports male circumcision, he is steadfastly opposed to its clitoral counterpart.”
I have since received a phone call from the Public Relations Department at Brandeis. Although Brandeis realizes that my column is satirical, I was asked to clarify that the Brandeis President never made the statement I attributed to him. The first sentences of each segment of my column are based on news stories; the rest of the sentences are humorous caricatures, juxtapositions with seemingly unrelated stories, and ridicule. On the other hand, I am delighted that someone besides my family and friends are reading what I wrote, and, I repeat, no clitorises or foreskins were harmed in the writing of this column.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com