By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO-Hamas broke the 3 day cease fire with Israel shortly after it began. Its spokesmen claimed that its fighters inadvertently used a stopwatch instead of a clock to time the cessation of hostilities or that the word “cease” was accidentally deleted from the email informing them of the armistice.
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A New York City medical examiner concluded that the death of Eric Garner was a homicide caused by the chokehold a police officer employed to subdue him. Although the officer has been relieved of his duties, several states have expressed interest in hiring him to implement the death sentence.
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President Obama admitted that the CIA wrongly “tortured some folks” in the security hysteria that followed 9/11. The evidence proving this happened is contained in a communique discovered by the Senate Intelligence Committee which was titled “Beat the Folkers.”
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Cadaver dogs were sent to check the crash site of Malaysian Airlines Flight 17 to sniff out any bodies that remain under the debris. Unfortunately, Russian wolfhounds scared them off before they could find anything.
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The House of Representatives finally approved of a smaller allocation of funds than President Obama requested to police the Rio Grande border and process unaccompanied minors more quickly for deportation. One item in the budget pays Senator Ted Cruz to serve as a border guard whenever House Republicans are caucusing.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com . San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.