The Seven States of Loss and Healing, Part 4: Towards the New Normal
By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — This is part four of a five-part series, The Seven States of Loss and Healing. The poems are excerpted from my book, Living Without the One You Cannot Live Without: Hope and Healing after Loss.
Reinvention
Looking at Men
I caught myself
looking at men
I have not done that
in seventy years
then it used to be boys
now it’s older men
in my age group
I look and wonder
whether they’re married
I would like to go out
with a male companion
for a quiet dinner
perhaps a movie
that we can talk about later
I have women friends
why isn’t it the same?
I’m somehow not sure
I am allowed
to feel this way
he died just over two years ago
is it too soon
for me to wish for couplehood?
am I being disloyal
to him and his memory?
I feel guilty
for catching myself
looking at men
Caring about Not Caring
The things I used to care about
I no longer do
but I really do care
that I don’t care
about the things
I used to care about
You cannot live happily in your new, single life without changing your identity from half a couple to a whole person. You will need to reinvent yourself in order to move on, stand on your own two feet, and forge a satisfying future. Reinvention is the purposeful transformation of your perceptions about yourself and the world. It is normal to feel awkward at first; navigating in this new way may be uncomfortable for awhile. Ask friends to include you in their activities and help you get engaged again in your community. If you refuse invitations too often, chances are you won’t be asked again. If you go to an event or a party, it is helpful to go with someone so that you don’t feel stranded by yourself.
The New Normal
Amazing
Today I have decided
that I am not half a couple
mourning the one that’s gone
for I have integrated him within me
and so I am a whole person
standing on my own two feet
independent and strong
there is nothing I cannot do
for there is nothing I can’t imagine
I have no fears
not of living nor of dying
I am doing the first
the best I know how
until the second stops me
hopefully in my tracks
I feel the wisdom of my years
a learning that I can use well
to make it easier for others’
journeys
as mine draws to an end
I savor the moments
in ways new to me
a quietness has taken hold
like a new distance, a perspective
an understanding
I know not exactly of what
a comfort in my place
a knowing of my time
the word may be “serenity”
it exists
even in new adventures
in willingness for risks
in shoulder shrugs at failures
in smiles at foibles
and secret laughter
at the amazingness of it all
Through reinvention, you have morphed into an okay single person. You have arrived at the next and final state: “the New Normal.” You are not half of a couple—but a whole woman or man—less needy and able to experience life with all its pleasures and pitfalls. I am not saying that you don’t miss your spouse, but you are really living again instead of just surviving.
Now life can be good again, and new adventures are not only possible, but also enjoyable. In this state you are able to form new friendships which are meaningful and enduring—friends to go out with, share a meal or travel with. You may be alone, but you are not lonely. Home is a refuge, not solitary confinement. You feel like a complete person, grounded, and secure in your ability to manage your life.
Because of the particular age group I interviewed (60 to 90), romance is a very remote possibility, and the large majority said they would not be interested in sharing life again with someone—companionship yes, love affair no. This is more true of widows than of widowers, who frequently find companionship and marriage with a younger woman. Single men in this age group are at a premium, and we joke about the casserole brigade: women who come bearing food and end up with the man.
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Josefowitz is an author and freelance writer who is based in the San Diego suburb of La Jolla. This story appeared initially in the La Jola Village News. Josefowitz may be contacted via natasha.josefowitz@sdjewishworld.com