By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ Somewhere in hell Joseph McCarthy watched last night’s election results. Not knowing that television networks now designate Republican states as red and Democratic ones as blue, he looked at the electoral map and commented, “I warned them the communists would take over the United States!”
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Boko Haram reported that it has arranged Islamic marriages for the 200 girls it abducted. The group plans to produce a reality television show called “The Kidnapette.”
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Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed that he is gay. In response Russia tore down a monument to Steve Jobs saying it now understands why Apple’s male connectors don’t fit into other companies’ female ports.
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An Australian surfer found a floating whale carcass and surfed it back to shore even though it was surrounded by sharks eating it. SeaWorld has expressed interest in his act since no one can claim he harmed the whale before mounting it.
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Nik Wallenda amazed the world by walking a tightrope strung between two Chicago skyscrapers while blindfolded. The Democratic Party has purchased the rights to the photograph of him midair while performing this feat to use in its 2016 campaign ads to illustrate how uninsured people will feel if Obama Care is repealed.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com . San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.