Humoring the headlines: March 12, 2015

By Laurie Baron

Laurie Baron
Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO─ Reports have surfaced that Edward Snowden is negotiating with Federal authorities to return to the United States if two of his demands can be met: 1) he will only be charged with hacking instead of espionage; 2) he can retain the same lawyer who got General David Petraeus such a light sentence.

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Senator Tom Cotton drafted the letter which 47 Republican senators signed and sent to the leadership of Iran warning that the Senate might not approve a nuclear agreement negotiated by President Obama.  Cotton has dismissed speculation that he might run for President in the future by remarking: “I only want to be the President Pro Tempore because the Senate is in charge of conducting American foreign policy.”

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Texas State Representative Jonathan Strickland has posted a plaque on his office declaring himself a “former fetus” to symbolize his staunch opposition to abortion.  Planned Parenthood stuck Post-It notes next to the plaque designating Strickland an “infantile adult.”

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Disney Studios announced it has no immediate plan to produce a sequel to the hit animated film Frozen.  Depending on the findings of the next UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, it may make a related film called Melting.

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Hillary Clinton excused her use of a private email account instead of her State Department account for official correspondence as a matter of convenience.  She also confessed that when she was First Lady, she found it more convenient to have the neighborhood 7-Eleven store cater state dinners rather than going through the cumbersome White House ordering procedures.

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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University.  He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com .  San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.

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