I can’t make this stuff up
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO — After Rick Perry promised he would unite rather than divide Americans if he were President, he left the stage to the accompaniment of his campaign song which contains the following lyric: “Shotgun toter/Republican voter/Rick Perry supporter/Let’s protect our border/To hell with anyone who don’t believe in the U.S.A. … Rick Perry all the way.”
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Assuring an interviewer that the United States would help Iraq build a functional government, Marco Rubio was asked if this was a return to George Bush’s policy of nation-building and replied, “Well, it’s not nation-building. We are assisting them in building their nation.”
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Trying to account for the widespread support Bruce Jenner has received for coming out as a woman, Mike Huckabee surmised, “I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.’ You’re laughing because it sounds so ridiculous doesn’t it?”
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Former FIFA Vice President Jack Warner was indicted for his involvement in the FIFA corruption scandal. He blamed Zionism as “probably the most important reason why this acrid attack on Bin Hammam (another indicted FIFA official) and me was mounted.”
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Challenging those who believe climate change in man-made, Jeb Bush declared, “I don’t think the science is clear of what percentage is man-made and what percentage is natural. It’s convoluted.” For the people to say the science is decided on this is really arrogant, to be honest with you. It’s this intellectual arrogance that now you can’t have a conversation about it, even.”
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com . San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.