The Fox News Presidential Debate
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ It opened more like a sporting event than a political debate with the moderators observing that the venue was where the Cleveland Cavaliers play their games. Though the moderators are supposed to be impartial, Megan Kelly anointed Carly Fiorina the Snow White of the earlier debate with the six dwarves. After the buildup, I expected the candidates to sprint out on the stage wearing basketball uniforms accompanied by a recording of “Space Jam.” The serving of steak tartare at the food kiosks indicated that this was a crowd that craved red meat. The “Beat the Clock” format of 1 minute responses and 30 second closing statements encouraged the candidates to speak only in sound bites at best and sound nibbles at worst.
It didn’t take long to realize that Trump was the most cavalier boor on stage when he refused to pledge to support the Republican candidate for President or rule out running as an independent. He quickly committed another foul justifying his sexist remarks about women on the grounds that he never worried about being politically incorrect. Apparently, political incorrectness is the first amendment right to disparage females on the basis of their looks.
Mike Huckabee touted a fair tax based on consumption, or, as it is used to be known, a regressive sales tax. All of the candidates supported the defunding of Planned Parenthood presumably because they prefer unplanned parenthood. Although Republicans are losing with African Americans, Latinos, and women, they definitely have locked up the votes of zygotes, but they will have to wait 18 years to reap the benefit.
Nostalgic support was expressed for a return to the good days of water boarding. It is too bad that enhanced interrogation couldn’t have been used on the candidates to get them to answer the questions that they were asked.
Trump deserves credit for being brutally honest when he unabashedly bragged about giving money to politicians to assure they will do his bidding. Though none of the other candidates would make this frank admission, some firmly believe that “things go better with Koch.”
John Kasich emerged as the only Republican hopeful who not only has attended a gay wedding, but who would supply food and medical care to guests at the occasion who could afford neither.
At the end of the debate, Sheldon Adelson was asked how he would grade the candidates and replied, With the exception of Rand Paul, I’d give them all a double AA rating with an IP in the middle and a C at the end.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com . San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.