By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ Mitt Romney delivered a speech warning Republicans against electing Donald Trump as their party’s candidate for president. Later at a private dinner for wealthy Republican donors, he was overheard saying: “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for Trump no matter what…who hate the government, who believe that they are victims. …These are people who pay no attention to competency, and so our job is not to worry about those people. We’ll never convince them to choose a responsible politician to take care of their country.”
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In this week’s Republican debate Marco Rubio hit Donald Trump below the belt by insinuating that the small size of his hands reflected the size of another one of his appendages. Trump responded that the measure of a man is in the height of the buildings he has erected. Regarding the phallusy of these personal insults, Hillary Clinton commented that at least Donald Trump now knows what it is like to be shlonged.
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Kim Jong Un issued an order that his country’s “nuclear warheads need to be ready for use at any time.” Although this could result in preemptive strike by the United States, a public opinion poll conducted clandestinely in North Korea indicates that the majority of the population prefers atomic annihilation to the ongoing attrition of incarceration and starvation under Kim’s rule.
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Caitlyn Jenner told a Texas Republican newspaper that she supports Ted Cruz for president and has offered to advise him on transgender issues. Cruz welcomed her endorsement as an abomination of nature.
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Right-wing media mogul Rupert Murdoch announced his engagement to Mick Jagger’s ex-wife Jerry Hall. Jagger had agreed to attend the wedding and sing “Sympathy for the Devil” as the couple walk to the altar.
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.