The Game of Donopoly
By Laurie Baron
SAN DIEGO─ Directions: Start at Go with a loan of $1,000,000 from your father. Shake dice and roll a three. Go to Trump Village in Brooklyn and advertise that there are no vacancies while renting to African-Americans but not to whites.
Roll the dice for a four. Pass by Income Tax space and move your piece to Atlantic City. Purchase the Taj Mahal Casino. Close it the next time you land on this space. Be sure to never roll a number that lands you in jail.
Go to New York and build Trump Tower. Then advance to Poland to recruit construction workers. Roll again and pick up a Chance Card. You have an opportunity to purchase a steak company. Although you don’t want to enter the food business, you’ll need the red meat for when you run to be the Republican candidate for president.
Roll again and land in Scotland. Purchase bucolic site to build a golf course. Ignore local protests and promise it will create 6,000 jobs. The next time around the board, you will have hired only 200.
Roll again and land in Mexico. Announce plans to finance the building of a hotel-condo complex in Baja. When funding proves insufficient to go forward with the project, threaten to build wall around the space to prevent anyone from revealing what happened. Make opponents pay for the wall.
Land on matrimony space three times, and trade up each time for a younger model wife. Chance Card: you have the opportunity to apologize for inflammatory remarks you have made. Tear up card and say it was planted by the media.
Move five spaces ahead to China to bankrupt Apple and Walmart by imposing tariffs on Chinese products. When other players complain that you don’t follow the rules, tell security to remove them from the game and encourage spectators to yell and assault them. Chance Card: Host a reality show where you become well-known for firing interns.
Final toss of the dice: End up Cleveland. If you don’t have enough delegates to win the nomination, quit the game and begin to play Risk. Why play to govern the United States when you can conquer the world?
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.