Editor’s Note: The following is satire and should not be taken literally
By Joel H. Cohen
NEW YORK — “Because I want to make Russian Jews great again,” Donald Trump said he’s agreed to play Tevye in a special production of Fiddler on the Roof.
The show will necessarily be a limited-run production (ending by Inauguration Day, “since all the polls show I’ll win the Presidency by an incredible margin,” Trump said). It will also feature former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as Golde and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as the Rabbi.
“I’ve always been a great performer in my incredible business deals,” Trump declared, and I’ll be great in this.” He said he had seen the original Tevye (Zero Mostel) on Broadway, and “while I think he was an incredible, unbelievable actor, in that role he was weak. Too politically correct. Nothing – like his name, zero.”
Trump said that the usual Tevye character is portrayed as a poor milkman,”a shmendrik,” but his new portrayal would be of “someone more substantial, possibly the mayor.”
There will be other changes, too, he said. Because Anatekva is “too depressing,” the location will be some exotic Vegas-like place, and the opening scene will show successful, prosperous people dancing around slot machines and card tables.
Another slated change, Trump said, would be where Tevye sings “If I were a rich man” and would sit by the Eastern wall. “Well, I am rich, very rich, and I’ll not only sit by the wall, but build a wall, many walls – eastern, western, southern and northern. It’s gonna be a great, great production.”
Ms. Palin said “My Goldie or whatever will be no namby-pamby. She’ll be a mama grizzly bear with an AK-47 assault rifle at her side, in case any Russkies or terrorists try something.”
Governor Christie said his portrayal of the Rabbi would be much like himself. “He’ll say what he means and mean what he says, and he won’t ever take back anything he says. And nobody will break any Commandments when I’m their rabbi.”
Trump said he was negotiating with the Koch Brothers to produce the show, which he fully expects to be “very, very successful.” But if the brothers don’t want to produce it, he said, he’d do it himself. “I’ve got plenty of money.”
“Tradition!”
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Cohen is an author and freelance writer who lives on New York City’s Staten Island. Comments intended for publication in the space below MUST be accompanied by the letter writer’s first and last name and by his/ her city and state of residence (city and country for those outside the United States.)