Humoring the Headlines: December 24, 2016

By Laurie Baron

SAN DIEGO−This year Hanukkah and Christmas conveniently coincide, but Donald Trump worries about the next four years when he knows wishing Ivanka Merry Christmas may offend her husband Jared. Consequently, he has tasked Jared, who is so Jewish and smart he will negotiate peace between Israel and the Palestinians, to create a new holiday in December that will enable American Jewry to celebrate it on the same day as Christmas. He calls it Donakah.
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Since Hanukkah falls on the 25th of Kislev, Jared will persuade rabbinic authorities to abolish the Jewish calendar and rename Kislev December. Donakah will commemorate when Jared helped Donald defeat Hillaryochus and cleanse the Temples of American government of aliens, homosexuals, bisexuals, racial minorities, and transsexuals. To remember this event, American Jews will kindle eight candles on December 25th with a ninth candle called the Donash.
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The candles are appropriately lit from right to left. The first candle on the far right of the Donakiyah is named the Bannon. The second candle commemorates the Syrian and Russian liberation of Aleppo from Islamic tyranny and includes a recitation of the Kaddish for the city. “May it rest in pieces!” The third candle anticipates the buying of real estate and building of condos, golf courses, and hotels there. The fourth candle stands for the number of press conferences the Donald plans to hold during his first term. After lighting the fifth candle, Jews will burn an editorial page from either the New York Times or the Washington Post in the flame. The sixth candle is made out of coal to prove that it can be burnt so cleanly it can be lit in the house. The seventh candle is larger and brighter because it symbolizes the nuclear war the Donald is willing to unleash against any country that insults him. The eighth candle evokes the memory of the original Hanukkah when the Maccabees thought they only had enough oil to burn for one night. With the Donald, there will never be an oil shortage again.
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The observance of Donakah ends with giving children Donakah Gelt, chocolate replicas of Goldman-Sachs stock, presenting adults gifts of Trump-brand products, and the eating of handmade latkes, reminding everyone of the campaign slogan: Make America grate again!
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Baron is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via lawrence.baron@sdjewishworld.com San Diego Jewish World points out to new readers that this column is satire, and nothing herein should be taken literally.