By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
LA JOLLA, California — My husband died a year ago, and I need to morph myself into a single person living in a couples’ world. My landscape has changed dramatically, and, unless one has traveled that road, it is difficult to imagine what it is like.
I certainly did not know what obstacles lay ahead, what new rules of conduct I needed to learn. So since I’m traveling on this unwanted adventure, I might as well share what I’m encountering, with tentative suggestions on how to deal with the new dynamics of going out as a single woman with friends who are twosomes.
There is this odd feeling of being less of a person as a single entity.
Somehow when I’m alone with couples, I feel diminished, because I used to be part of a couple. We finished each other’s sentences, remembered what the other forgot, and generally were equal partners with our couples friends. Now I’m alone with no one to kick me under the table if I say something I shouldn’t. I feel I must compensate for my partner’s absence, I want to be sure to be interesting enough so that I’m invited back. I never used to feel that way. One of us would always pick up for any lack in the other. I interviewed several widows; every one of them could relate to these feelings.
The first time, the second, or even the third time I’ve been taken out to dinner by a couple, the man insisted on paying, he also paid for my movie ticket, even though I insisted I wanted to pay my share, but to no avail. When I suggested it was my turn to take them out, he wouldn’t let me. Going out with women friends is never a problem—we always easily share.
What to do?
1. You can insist and say it makes you too uncomfortable not to share and then make a deal—every third time you go out, it’s your turn to treat, or say you want to pay a third of the bill every time. After all, if you were a couple, you would split it, and if you were a man, he would let you. What does not work is grabbing the check when the waiter brings it—it becomes a physical pulling back and forth—unpleasant.
2. In order to reciprocate, you can do the invitation and phone the restaurant ahead of time and give your credit card, then after dessert and coffee is ordered you excuse yourself to go to the ladies room and sign the bill—you can also do that without calling ahead.
3. Instead of going to a restaurant, you can invite friends to a theater or concert and purchase the tickets ahead of time.
4. If you live in your own home, you can invite people to your house and either cook or cater a meal.
5. You can rent a private room in a restaurant and invite a dozen friends to a dinner party, thus reciprocating several invitations at once.
6. If you are out with a man, and he has invited you, then you can offer to split the bill—but not insist. After several such invitations, when he keeps paying, you may want to have a frank discussion about your relationship, which includes who pays when and for what. I went out to dinner and a movie with a male friend (not a date), when he paid for the meal, I said I would get the movie tickets. It worked.
There is also the issue of going alone to an opening, a gala, or a fancy fundraiser, where the dress is formal and there might be dancing. I find this awkward—the way to do it is to find out if any of your friends are going and ask to sit at their table. I have also invited a woman friend to accompany me to such events. It is interesting that in our day and age it is still more difficult for a woman to call a man and ask him out than it is for a man to call a woman.
I find it somewhat frustrating dealing with being single in a couples world as there are no guidelines on how to navigate these new waters. As the population grows older, there will be more widows since women still outlive men, and we need comfortable ways of managing societal expectations.
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Josefowitz’s column appears in La Jolla Village Voice