Lawrence Baron

Other dogs in the neighborhood have been asking me what precautions they should take to avoid catching the coronavirus.  That is why I have formed the Canines Defy Coronavirus (CDC) taskforce.  Here are its first recommendations: [Hounding the headlines humor column by Elona Baron, as told to Lawrence Baron]

It was obvious by the detached and halting delivery of President Trump’s Oval Office speech that it was composed by someone else and read off the teleprompter.  Since I am close friends with the Oval Office custodian, I obtained the draft that Trump wrote, but reluctantly tossed in the trash can.  Here is the short version of it. [Satire by Lawrence Baron, Ph.D]

I always have heeded the advice to make lemonade if life gives me lemons. How can I do this in the face of the current pandemic? If I try, should I wear a surgical mask? The following fantasies help lift my spirits. [Satire by Lawrence Baron, Ph.D]

2020 is the year American canines elect a top dog.  The preliminary matches are dog fights.  Normally, the competitors aren’t so aggressive, but the humans who stage these contests prefer that they bite, growl, and scratch each other.  After all, it improves the television ratings.   St. Bernard, Amy Komodor, Elizabeth Westie, Tom Skye Terrier, Pete Boxerdoodle, Joe Bichon, and Miniature Mike are battling in the pit.  Since Elizabeth Westie goes for Mike’s jugular, the human commentators dismiss her as a bitch, but she doesn’t want anyone to forget that Mike ordered dogcatchers to pick up any mutt who seemed dangerous and joked about spaying pregnant females.  Many dogs will never forgive him for that. [Satire from Elona Baron as told to Laurie Baron} 

Stop in the name of law                                                                                                                                
Before you crown him king!
Stop in the name of law
Before you crown him king!
Overrule him. 
Overrule him. 
[Satire by Laurie Baron, Ph.D]

  During the 2016 campaign, President Trump declared: “We must maintain law and order at the highest level or we will cease to have a country, 100 percent. I am the law and order candidate.”  His record of commutations and pardons suggests the enforcement of law and order is selective and only applies to poor common criminals and not white (white) collar criminals, particularly if they are cronies of the President.  [Satire by Laurie Baron]

The New York City Bar Association has asked the House and Senate Judiciary Committees to investigate Attorney General William Barr’s intervention on behalf of Roger Stone fearing that it “threatens public confidence in the fair and impartial administration of justice.”  The charges barraging Barr might lead the Association to disbar Barr.  That would bar Barr from practicing law. [Satire by Lawrence Baron, Ph.D]

Though she disapproved of Trump’s tactics in Ukraine, Susan Collins justified her vote against convicting Trump because “”she hoped that the president would’ve learned from the fact that he was impeached by the House.”  To celebrate his acquittal, she threw rice as he entered the East Room.  He quickly launched into his diatribe against his enemies because it turned out it was Minute Rice. [Satire by Laurie Baron]

Some traitorous do-nothing Democrat made a false accusation against Donald T.  for he learned one day he was being impeached even though in his mind he had acted perfectly to get himself reelected.  Every morning his chef brought him a bucket of fried chicken for breakfast, but on this morning, a woman named Nancy sent him a kale salad with a note that ominously read: “Eat something healthy.  You’re going to need it.”  Within weeks his lawyers found themselves colluding with a turtle-faced man to shield T. from the calumnies a mixed-race prosecution team would level at him.  This reinforced T’s conviction that people who aren’t white are incapable to administering justice and need to be denied a voice in the government. [Satire by Laurie Baron]

The impeachment trial of the President Trump has taken a surprising turn.  A leak from John Bolton’s forthcoming book about his experiences as National Security Advisor reveals Trump conditioned military aid and a meeting with the president of Ukraine on the latter announcing investigations into Joe and Hunter Biden and Ukraine’s interference in the 2016 elections.  Here are some other incriminating passages it allegedly contains: [Satire by Laurie Baron]