Lawrence Baron

By Laurie Baron NORTH POLE― Unbeknownst to the public, this Christmas was Santa’s last.  The rotund elderly man realizes he can no longer compete with modern technology and world capitalism. He is eager to slow down and collect Social Security and Medicare.  The reindeer and sleigh are quaint, but way too slow and small compared […]

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―Al Qaeda issued an apology for attacking a hospital in Yemen which it erroneously thought was the country’s defense ministry.  Its spokesman explained that under the organization’s Osama Care policy, it guarantees medical treatment to anyone who manages to survive bombings carried out by its members. * Hackers compromised the credit

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―President Obama appointed the American delegation to the Winter Olympics.  To protest Russia’s laws against homosexuals, he included the openly gay tennis champion Billie Jean King and two-time women’s hockey medalist Caitlin Cahow in its ranks.  To add insult to injury, he has recruited the Village People to sing “YMCA” instead

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―A federal judge declared that the NSA’s big data surveillance program is unconstitutional.   In the holiday spirit, the judge issued his ruling as a Christmas jingle sung to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” You better not phone.   You better not tweet.    Even when you’re alone

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―China has landed a rover on the moon. It immediately opened a restaurant and a bank to extend credit to whatever countries try to settle the moon.  Then it started building a factory for Walmart.  The shuttle with robot workers manufactured by Apple will arrive next month. * Sixteen year-old Ethan

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―The budget deal forged by Paul Ryan of Wisconsin and Patty Murray will end extensions of unemployment insurance for 1.3 million Americans.  Since the current Congress s has passed fewer bills than any of its postwar predecessors, some deficit hawks have suggested docking the salary of its members because they haven’t

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―As happens this time annually, conservatives are decrying the secular war on Christmas.  Having Christmas designated a national holiday, having a national Christmas tree, and having the media flooded with Christmas advertisements and messages from Thanksgiving until December 25th does constitute a war, but it is being waged against people who

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―Benjamin Netanyahu had an audience with Pope Francis this week and gave him an autographed copy of his father’s book on the Spanish Inquisition.  This has sparked a new fad among world leaders.  The Japanese Prime Minister sent Present Obama John Hersey’s Hiroshima.  The Dalai Lama brought a copy of his

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―The White House has demanded that North Korea release Merrill Newman because he is 85 years old and in poor health.  Joe Biden has been dispatched there to negotiate Newman’s freedom and is allegedly willing to trade two healthy forty-two year olds for the ailing Newman. * Amazon has announced that

Some songs for Chanukah By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO― Afghanistan (Tune: Oh Hanukah) Afghanistan, Afghanistan, Your future is certain.   . Our troops will defend you To profit Haliburton. There’s no more Osama, To terrorize our land. But President Obama Still fears the Taliban. And while we are fighting, Iran is enriching its core. For domestic

SAN DIEGO―Republican Congressman Trey Radel of Florida pled guilty of cocaine possession and use this week and blamed his addiction on his alcoholism.  This is the same excuse embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford gave for smoking crack cocaine.  Reporters checking into the drinking habits of the two men have learned that they always ordered rum

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―Last week President Obama admitted he had fumbled the ball in the rollout for the Affordable Health Care Act and pledged he would rectify his mistake: “If I fumbled the ball, I’m somebody who’s going to wait until I get the next play and run as hard as I can. We

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO―Former President George W. Bush will speak tonight at a fundraiser for the Messianic Jewish Bible Institute, an evangelical Christian group whose aim is to convert all Jews to accelerate the Second Coming of Christ.  Fending off appeals by Jewish leaders to cancel his talk, Bush’s public relations team has come

By Laurie Baron SAN DIEGO-Now that Chris Christie has presidential momentum, the Tea Party is conducting opposition research to find skeletons in his past.  One researcher is exploring a rumor about him being guilty of marital and political infidelity.  Apparently there is footage of him in a threesome with a democratic president, and a tempestuous